The Divine Baltimore Comedy

Editor’s Note: inspired by our call for those laugh/cry moments that make you go “Oh, Baltimore,” the brilliant Devan Southerland shares with us her fond impressions of Lexington Market and its environs. (Share your own “Oh, Baltimore” moments and memories by commenting or letting us know via Facebook or Twitter #ohbmore). 

Dear ENTIRE AREA within three blocks of Lexington Market,

Your area is something that can’t be replicated anywhere else in the world.

No matter what sidewalk I stroll upon in your vicinity, someone always seems to walk up on me to the point of them bumping into my purse…forcing me to make sure I still have a wallet. Only there is where I can wait patiently to meet a friend and have entrepreneurs of all types stand near me on the sidewalk selling goods including, but not limited to Tims, Big White Tees, “CD’s and movies, ya’ll, “that Precious movie, ya’ll”, ‘loose ones’, $1 gloves, socks, Tussy deodorant, “Weed, weed, weed, got that weed, weed, weed” and a day old student continuation bus pass.”

I love the COMPLETE violation of personal space one feels no matter where they are.

I love that everyone yells their conversations… whether talking to someone next to them….or a couple of blocks away…or on the chirp phone…or to the cashier trying to ring them up.

I think it’s funny that 60 percent of the people walking around are on the dope, looking for the dope, nodding out from the dope, selling the dope or trying to recover from the dope….but failing real hard.

It’s enjoyable that your area’s Rite Aid stays in business not only because it has 1 Hour Photo…but because it sells liquor. However, I hate that it always seems to run out of the reasonably priced Seagrams Iced Tea Vodka. Damn…if only I drank Colt 45 or Remy Martin…

I adore walking into your area’s stores, seeing a pile of other customers’ bags in the corner by the front door and rethinking if I want to leave my bag there with ‘bag check’ to spend money…but it’s just so hard to resist that cute pair of blue boots that will go with my outfit I’m wearing later that night! And they’re $20!!!!

I digress.

Apparently, your area makes people think that even the most stone-faced individuals – like myself – welcome unwanted, unwarranted and UNINVITED conversations from strangers. Even conversations seeking advice! For example, one young lady decided to stop me in the pouring rain and say, “Excuse me, can you tell me if I did the right thing? This man back there said he was hungry so I just gave him the gizzards I just bought. Was that the right thing to do???”

Here’s to you, the entire area within three blocks of Lexington Market. Now you can’t say I’ve NEVER said good things about you.

Devan Southerland, a.k.a. the Lovely Ms. ‘S Page, is an experienced dream doula and legend maker. A proud Baltimorean, she studied Family Studies and African American Studies at the University of Maryland-College Park. If you are worthy, she has rap for you.